Tonya Declares War On Rock N' Roll

Rock music, rock n roll, blue-eyed white devil music, heavy metal, Hell's soundtrack.

Whatever you want to call it, to quote Danny & The Juniors; Rock N Roll is here to stay, and to quote Ozzy Osbourne; "you can't kill rock n roll".

Charlotte rock n roll fans, there is someone here in our own community that IS trying to kill, discredit, and throw mud in the face of rock n roll. Someone who actually has the gall to call themselves a "pop life writer" (whatever the fuck that means) and works for our local newspaper would love it if Rock N roll went away and was replaced by Hip Hop.

Thats right, boys and girls, Tonya Jameson would like nothing better than to bury pop culture's #1 legacy and replace it; with thugged-out illiterate corn-rowed thugs who grunt about guzzling expensive champagne, licking girls assholes, their collection of automatic weapons, and those gigantic chrome wheels that are attached to their Cadillac Escalades.

The CIAA Basketball tournament is months away, so Tonya has nothing better to do than mount an all-out assault on Rock N Roll, or what she has called in the past "that music that those white folks love".

Recently, one of the best-selling bands in rock history, Van Halen announced a reunion tour of sorts featuring original lead singer and seminal frontman, David Lee Roth. For some strange reason not disclosed by the band or it's management, Van Halen decided to kick off the tour here, at Charlotte's Bobcat's Arena in late September. So, of course it automatically becomes Tonya Jameson's "bidness".

The concert took less than a day to sell out. Given the fact they are white, have been around since the mid-seventies, aren't rappers and have no black or gay fan bases to speak of, this infuriated Tonya.

In a "Paid To Party" blog entry dated 08/21/07, she slammed Van Halen for reasons unknown to us, and said "Wooo-wheee. Concertgoers (she means white people) in Charlotte love themselves some rock music". The implication here is the type of shit music she'll never shut-up about , could never sell out Bobcat's Arena, regardless of who and when they played, and Tonya is upset.

She unsuccessfully tries to pass of her indignation over white people's love of rock music as bemused confusion, wondering aloud how she could understand the Rolling Stones and U2 concerts, after all, MTV and even some black gay people like both of them; but Van Halen?!? Selling out??!? In the Queen City, home of the CIAA Basketball Tournament?!?

We sho-nuff do loves us some rock music, Mizz Tonya and we know a few things about it too. You might be interested to know Van Halen has sold more records than U2. A few million more. That's a fact, not some number you just pulled out the sky and inserted in a column or blog entry of yours like you often do - Its. A. Fact. Look it up.

To add insult to injury, Jameson throws I guess what she considers the band a bone and admits the lamest tune the Roth fronted incarnation of Van Halen ever released, "Jump" was cool. She doesn't really give us a reason as to why she thinks this, and we can only guess that perhaps "Jump" has been sampled by DMX or the Old Dirty Bastard, or that it may have been played during a WNBA Lesbian Basketball game. Who knows.

Anyway - moving on... Tonya isn't done taking lame shots at rock n roll. Next on her hate list ,the venerable annual hard rock music festival, the Ozzfest. She actually went, God knows why, and so do I. Just so she could bitch about it. She sums up the entire day long, free event in a single, inelegant, word. "Rank" .

I guess that meant it smelled. She says in P2P entry dated 08/29/07: "When I walked through the gates at Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre for Ozzfest on Tuesday, the stench hit me harder than the music".

I guess rap and hip hop concerts held outdoors in 100 degree muggy weather smell like Chanel #5. Oh wait. There ARE NO HIP HOP CONCERTS HELD OUTDOORS WITH 1000s OF FANS. Why? There would be a shooting. Or a stabbing. Or a riot. 12 year-olds smoking Crack. Or gang-related activity. Plus, to the best of my knowledge, you can't catch a CATS bus to Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre. At any rate, Hip Hop promoters don't have the cash it would take for an insurance policy big enough to cover the event.

Tonya was obviously having a terrible time,the event featured over 20 bands, but Tonya's review doesn't mention nary a one. So much for "pop life, I guess... but she somehow continued to stay if only to feed her outrage over guys "guzzling beer", wearing kilts, and encouraging women to show the crowd their breasts. Jameson dismisses this as "pathetic". Wait, I'm confused. I thought Tonya liked female breasts?

Pissed off and full of righteous indignation and still reeling from her terrible day at Ozzfest, our antagonist wasn't through with Rock N Roll, no way.

In other music that white people love reunion tour news, the incredibly popular and successful British rock band The Police, announced the band's plans to come to Charlotte and play at Bobcats Arena on 11/15.

Again, this automatically becomes Tonya's "bidness". Even though she's clearly closing in on 40, and quickly becoming too old to be "Paid To Party" Jameson dismisses the members of the Police as "too old", even though she phrases it in the form of a question a tried and true tactic of hers to make her whining and complaining about white people and the things they love, less acidic and to soften up the message a bit. Anything good she has to say about rock n roll is thrown out as an unimportant aside, an afterthought or a catty smart ass remark.

Even though she never quite spells it out for us, it's pretty clear she's mad the whole country hasn't embraced 50 Cent as some kind of musical genius and prefers to listen to real musicians, who write their own songs and actually play instruments instead of hollering some dumb-ass
rhyme about gold-capped teeth over some 35 year old disco song. To quote Tonya herself - "pathetic".


Holla!